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Enniu

It is one of those phases. An ennui sets in even though the work is
interesting, the drive there, and the ideas almost leaping out of my head.
The need of nothingness creeps in unawares and deadlines seem less
important. It is like turning into a lotus eater in the midst of rat racers.
Everything seems to happen on automation, work, life, highs, lows. It is as
if the brain is an entity of its own, working away, taking decisions and
reacting without the will interfering or providing any inputs. It is as if I
am two beings in one.
A forced day off a few days ago was the trigger it seems, to realise the
transition. The upcoming holiday seems to make things worse - or better as
your perspective changes.
It was the fault of a single accidental evening. Sitting at home in the
evening, watching the sun go down with nothing to distract me.
Just letting my mind wander while my legs stretched out comfortably - not
sitting in an office chair. The slow fan lightly circulated the air, the
computer, TV, phone all switched off. It was a perfect calm I had not felt
in a very long time. Sure, I was not well, and hence the distance from
everything. But it was the moment the knot inside me had loosened, the
drive, the pace, slackened, and I relaxed.
And having tasted that, my mind thirsts for more of it. The relaxation that
allows months of work again. The rest the body and mind get together,
uninterrupted.
It is not possible on a weekend when there are so many things to do. A
sunday wasted just wondering, is difficult.
It reminded me of the time when I had three day weekends, while the world
toiled away. No one to call me, no one to ring the bell. Because everyone
thought I would be at work. While my office was shut and so no one called
from work as well.
Delicious, precious, time alone. A battery recharging in a way a weekend can
never do. Not with friends, maids, odd-jobs, relatives.
Fun and refreshment sometimes can be so different. And there are so few
people in the world with whom fun can also help you unwind, relax and
recharge. Most of the times, it is alone.
The alone time that allows you to pick up the baton and run fast enough to
win the marathon. The enthusiasm to do things that till now were just
planned in the head.
As I am on the verge of a short vacation, that may turn into a longer
sojourn, I find myself wondering how it will help me. It may take away some
work worries, it may exaggerate them. It may relax me, it may tire me.
It definitely will be a time I will be in a new place, doing some things I
enjoy. But I know for sure, after that, some time, I will need a day at
home, alone with the blinds drawn against the hot sun, in the afternoon,
with nothing around me but a book - which I might not read at all. A glass
of ice cold drink beside me - which I might not sip. With only a lazy fan or
a noisy airconditioner to break the monotony of noiselessness. So that I can
immerse myself in the absence of thoughts. In the delight of not moving, not
talking, not thinking.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-tag:>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

It is one of those phases. An ennui sets in even though the work is
interesting, the drive there, and the ideas almost leaping out of my head.
The need of nothingness creeps in unawares and deadlines seem less
important. It is like turning into a lotus eater in the midst of rat racers.
Everything seems to happen on automation, work, life, highs, lows. It is as
if the brain is an entity of its own, working away, taking decisions and
reacting without the will interfering or providing any inputs. It is as if I
am two beings in one.
A forced day off a few days ago was the trigger it seems, to realise the
transition. The upcoming holiday seems to make things worse - or better as
your perspective changes.
It was the fault of a single accidental evening. Sitting at home in the
evening, watching the sun go down with nothing to distract me.
Just letting my mind wander while my legs stretched out comfortably - not
sitting in an office chair. The slow fan lightly circulated the air, the
computer, TV, phone all switched off. It was a perfect calm I had not felt
in a very long time. Sure, I was not well, and hence the distance from
everything. But it was the moment the knot inside me had loosened, the
drive, the pace, slackened, and I relaxed.
And having tasted that, my mind thirsts for more of it. The relaxation that
allows months of work again. The rest the body and mind get together,
uninterrupted.
It is not possible on a weekend when there are so many things to do. A
sunday wasted just wondering, is difficult.
It reminded me of the time when I had three day weekends, while the world
toiled away. No one to call me, no one to ring the bell. Because everyone
thought I would be at work. While my office was shut and so no one called
from work as well.
Delicious, precious, time alone. A battery recharging in a way a weekend can
never do. Not with friends, maids, odd-jobs, relatives.
Fun and refreshment sometimes can be so different. And there are so few
people in the world with whom fun can also help you unwind, relax and
recharge. Most of the times, it is alone.
The alone time that allows you to pick up the baton and run fast enough to
win the marathon. The enthusiasm to do things that till now were just
planned in the head.
As I am on the verge of a short vacation, that may turn into a longer
sojourn, I find myself wondering how it will help me. It may take away some
work worries, it may exaggerate them. It may relax me, it may tire me.
It definitely will be a time I will be in a new place, doing some things I
enjoy. But I know for sure, after that, some time, I will need a day at
home, alone with the blinds drawn against the hot sun, in the afternoon,
with nothing around me but a book - which I might not read at all. A glass
of ice cold drink beside me - which I might not sip. With only a lazy fan or
a noisy airconditioner to break the monotony of noiselessness. So that I can
immerse myself in the absence of thoughts. In the delight of not moving, not
talking, not thinking.
<lj-tag: life, living, general, wondering>
<lj-mood: wondering>

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About Me


Regurgitations of my mind. Specific, Vague, Memorable, Forgettable, Thoughtless, In-depth.

More variegated than your dreams or colours off a crystal. More than I can pen down. What I can, you can read.


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